The Influence of Facebook

Sometimes I sit and think about what deployment must have been like for my grandparents during World War II.  There was no internet - no Skype, email, or facebook.  Handwritten letters only occasionally made it to their desired recipient.  My grandmother went months without hearing from my grandfather.

Times have definitely changed.  My husband and I have almost unlimited ways of communicating with each other: email, snail mail, telephone, yahoo messenger, google chat, skype, facebook etc etc.  It's pretty incredible to think about.

I always imagined the technology would help with unit cohesiveness and family support.  It's a small unit and everyone quickly became facebook friends with each other.  We formed a private group for all the soldiers and their family members.  It was intended to be a way for everyone to keep in contact and encourage each other through the tough times.  Unfortunately, things quickly went downhill from there.

Facebook became the downfall of the entire support network.  It began with inappropriate comments and photographs.  While it was a private group for the unit and family, there were concerns that people were being offensive to others in the group.  At one point, this turned into a series of arguments between different people and bred a lot of animosity.  Things only unraveled further from there.

Recently someone publicly posted an article about an attack on my husband's base from a few months ago.  Unfortunately, the majority of family members had not been aware of what had happened. 

I remember the day clearly.  I knew something was wrong because my husband did not respond to my email or come online for our previously planned Skype date.  In fact, no one from his unit came online.  Time passed and I started getting more freaked out.  By the end of the day I was hysterically crying on the phone with my husband's best friend.  When I finally heard from him the next day, he confirmed that something had happened and there had been a black out but everything was fine.  He downplayed things for my mental health and I appreciated that.

A couple weeks later I signed on to facebook and one of his fellow soldiers - a superior in fact - had posted an article on his wall about that specific day.  The article referred to how dangerous their base was and how terrible that particular day was for the troops that were there. I won't site specifics because I don't want to reveal too much about the unit, but it described a particularly terrifying thing for family members to hear.  It was something that I and several other spouses wished we hadn't read.  Sometimes secrets exist in military relationships for a very important reason and we like to keep it that way.  It was insensitive and caused a lot of anguish and further animosity.

Most recently a posting was made publicly about when the unit would be coming home.  We all know that Obama has promised all troops out of Iraq by Dec 31, but everyone in the military knows not to hold their breath about anything.  Most members of the unit had told their family not to expect anything so soon and that they would probably be in Kuwait or somewhere else for an unspecified amount of time.  The posting referred to the unit's date of return in fairly specific fashion.  This was the last straw for a lot of upset family members who were trying desperately not to get their hopes up and for soldiers who were trying not to disappoint their loved ones.  Not to mention the fact that people are angry about an obvious OPSEC violation.

Family members are upset. Soldiers are irate. Nasty emails have been sent around.  There has been name calling.  People have defriended each other on facebook.  The unit is divided and family support has unraveled.

Deployment is difficult enough but we're now at the point of complete disaster.

Technology is amazing but it's equally terrifying how it can completely change the dynamics of a group.

How has technology affected your unit cohesiveness and family support?  Has it been a blessing or a disaster?

Not For One.

Out of the corner of my eye
I see them.
I pause.
My shopping cart goes in reverse.

Pillsbury cinnamon rolls

Warm gooey pastry
Sweet sugary frosting
My mouth starts watering.

That cardboard can with metal ends
The way it opens with a
POP
I can't resist it.
So delicious.
Heaven.

All I want is just one roll...
Or maybe two.

But the smallest can has five.

How many calories in five?

Raw dough
Reminds me
of the simple fact

That it's just me.

I leave the rolls behind
For someone else to buy
Someone without a husband
in
Iraq.

Someday I'll wake up
To that sweet aroma

Pillsbury cinnamon rolls
in the oven
and my husband standing there
Ready to eat
The other three.

A Better Day

"Hey did you hear the news?"

I looked up from a patient's chart and saw one of the city paramedics.

"They announced today that all troops will be out of Iraq by December 31st!"

I gave a fake smile.

"Oh, yeah, well I'll believe that when I see it," I replied.

It was my routine response to this topic.  I've known about the December 31st deadline for a long time and I consistently google all news articles related to the topic.  However, I know that these things can change at any moment and the nature of my husband's work makes it so that he will be one of the very last to leave.  I have prepared myself for a late spring reunion.

I worked the rest of my busy shift, walked to my car, and pulled out my phone to check my email.

One of my best friends wrote: "This is great news, right?"

I shrugged.  Maybe.

Then I saw the video:




The tears started running down my face.  And then I started sobbing.  Alone in my car I was able to let down the wall and feel the complicated emotions of deployment.

I'm still ready for the full deployment but I can't help but feel happiness over the official announcement of a possible early return.

I got home, ate Chinese food, and opened my fortune cookie.

It read:  

Today is probably a huge improvement over yesterday.

The Blackout

The fear is hard to describe.

The panic of a communication blackout

When they intentionally shut off all communication

So that family can be notified.

So that word doesn't leak out.

You don't get your morning email

The message you always get.

You wait for the Skype call you had planned

But it never rings.

You send emails - desperate emails

That go unanswered. 

Unread.

With each passing moment 

Your panic increases

You scour the internet for an answer

And hope you find it

At the same time you hope you don't.

You read those four words:

American soldier killed today

The next words list the general location

The same location across the world

That the love of your life lives.

You try to convince yourself that you'd know by now.

Someone would have told you.

You're the first person to be notified

And you've been home all day.

Someone would have come

And told you 

The news.

You would have seen that car by now.

The car that every military wife dreads

The car that you keep looking out the window

Hoping not to see.

There's nothing you can do

To stop the fear

the tears

the nerves

The only thing that would help

Is a phone call from him

An email.

A message.

So you wait.

You just keep waiting.

Red is Positive, Black is Negative

As I've mentioned before, there's a little thing called Murphy's Law of Deployment.  It strikes again and again to family members of the military.  I've been pretty lucky so far and have not had too many issues with Mr. Murphy.  Regardless, I have been forced to learn a few things along the way about self-reliance and independence.

I'm not sure that this qualifies as Murphy's Law, but the battery in my husband's cherished and beloved Mustang keeps dying.  I suppose I can't blame this on Murphy at all because it is actually entirely my fault.  I haven't been starting it on a regular basis or even a semi-regular basis.  A couple of weeks ago I enlisted the help of one of my husband's fellow firefighters to jump start his car.  This would have worked fabulously if the plan didn't rely on me continuing to turn the key on his car.  I let the car run for 30 minutes, shut it off, and of course didn't attempt to start it again for pretty much a millenium.   Needless to say, the Mustang sits in our garage with an empty battery and low tire pressure.  I actually believe the tires may be molding into one particular shape because they haven't moved.  I'm a horrible car babysitter.

Today I decided I would be an independent and strong woman.  I would....gasp...try to jump start his car on my own!  Oh the horror! 

I pulled my car forward just narrowly escaping denting his bumper with mine.  It took me a good 15 minutes to find the lever on his hood.  Finally with both car hoods open, I stood proudly admiring my work so far. 

Now came the difficult part.

I opened the jumper cables, inspected the red and black clamps and promptly googled "how to jumpstart a car" on my iphone.  This was quite successful as there are several detailed instructions online.  I connected red to positive (+), black to negative (-), red to positive (+) on the Mustang, and stood there with the final black clamp. 

Connect to a unpainted piece of metal under the hood.

No problem.  I confidently clamped it around a metal piece.  Unfortunately, no one warned me that it would spark. 

Boy did it spark.

I jumped, screamed, retreated, unconnected everything, threw down both hoods, backed up my car, and ran inside.

Why is it that I have no problem defibrillating a human being, but cannot manage to charge a car battery?

Oh well, there's no shame in asking for help.

Golf With the Locals

Did you know it's safe over there now?
At least it's not Afghanistan.
After all, the war in Iraq is over.
We're just advisers now.

The troops
They are just playing golf with the locals.
Today they had a big softball game
U.S Army vs. Mahdi Army
There were beers
And hot dogs
Al-Sadr showed up and led a song of peace.

Last night
All the Americans stayed up late
for a pajama party with the insurgents.
They had ice cream
Did each other's hair
And talked about Kim Kardashian.

Sure, it's safe over there.
Tell that to the 50,000 troops
looking over their shoulders.
Tell that to the 5 troops killed in a single day
June 6, 2011
Tell that to their families.

If you think it's safe over there,
If you think we can breathe easy
Tell that to the
wives and husbands
mothers, fathers
sisters, brothers
children
as they hear about attacks
Frantically searching for the location
What city
What city
What city
As they scan the page or listen to the news
As they hold their breathe in fear.

Tell that to the pregnant wife
as her Skype conversation goes silent.
A loud noise, then silence.
A silence that lasts days.
Tell her it's safe
as she tries to convince herself
that it's just bad internet.
A poor connection.
A storm.

Tell that to the troops
who think about the future months.
The final exit from Iraq.
The long road through the desert to Kuwait.
The drive out of the country
with proverbial
targets
on their backs.

Or tell that to the troops who might stay.
The select few left behind
beyond the deadline.
The troops who already have threats
against their lives.
The ones who might be there
when everyone else
is home.

Tell them that it's safe.
After all, they are just playing golf with the locals.

2 Months

We have officially hit the two month mark on this deployment.  While I wish I could say the time has flown by, that would make me a complete and utter liar.  In reality, these have been the longest two months of my life and time has crept so slowly I sometimes think I have entered some sort of alternative calender.  Even so, it is time behind us and that's all that matters. 

These last 60-ish days have been filled with an incredible highs and lows.  I graduated from medical school, learned of my best friend's pregnancy, and just this weekend watched my big brother stand up and marry his perfect match.  My heart beamed as he said his vows to my new beautiful, smart, and sweet sister.  This same weekend I got to spend time with so much of my family including my little cousins, my lovely grandparents, and my 93-year-old great uncle.

At the same time, there have also been days when I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, days when I spent endless hours in my pajamas watching romantic comedies, and days when nothing stopped the tears.   

Overall, I'm getting through it and every day that passes is another day closer to my love coming home to me.

Here are some 2 month mark deployment lessons & thoughts:

• Staying busy truly is the key to survival.  Perhaps my lack of things to do has contributed to the snails pace of these last two months. While I'm enjoying my extended staycation, I'm looking forward to residency for this very reason.

• I can rely on my mil spouse blogger friends for support more than many people I know in the non-internet world.

• Getting a dog and starting a blog were the two best things that I did for my mental health.

• I should probably start my husband's car more often than once every 2 months, which reminds me that I need to call AAA. 

• Red wine doesn't necessarily make you feel better and it might just cause you to write an incredibly long and emotional email to your husband about your entire future together.  Prefacing said email with, "I'm finishing off a bottle of red wine" is clearly advisable.

• It's really difficult to cook for one person, especially when you lack motivation to go to the grocery store in the first place.  I'm still working on this one. 

• Extra deployment money doesn't go as far as you think it would, especially when you use giant shopping trips to BJs Wholesale and sending enormous care packages as a form of therapy.

• A good, long walk outside always helps.

• Tactfully answering peoples' ridiculous questions about deployment is truly a learned art.

• I have no idea how anyone had the strength to endure a military deployment before the days of Skype, email, facebook, and every other form of social media available today.

• There's nothing more vital than the love of family and friends. 

The most important thing I learned today is that Ben & Jerry's now makes Red Velvet Ice Cream. Try it.

Blue Star Banner - How Much Is Too Much?

Do you ever worry that you are advertising to complete strangers that your spouse or significant other is not home?

I have a blue star flag on my front door and a sticker on my car.  I hesitated at first to put these up because I worried that they would tell people a woman lives here alone.  In the end, I decided that the blue star flag signifies an immediate family member and not necessarily a spouse.  In addition, it doesn't even mean that the Soldier normally lives in that particular residence.  I proudly display my blue star in honor of my husband.

Today I started to doubt myself.  My doorbell rang at around 10 AM as I was standing in my living room.  I hadn't yet showered, brushed my teeth, or changed out of my sweat pants and sweat shirt.  I looked out the window to see some construction guys standing in my walkway and I quickly contemplated what to do.  I rarely answer a doorbell unless I'm expecting someone or I know who is on the other side.  However, a town Department of Public Works truck pulled up, so I went ahead and answered.  They needed access to my basement to connect a temporary water main that they had been placing on my street. 

I opened the garage doors and I got a simultaneous "NICE MUSTANG!!!!!" from the four workers.  I chuckled and said "Oh, thanks, it's my husband's car."

Then one of the men asked me the question.

"Is your husband overseas?"

I stared blankly, confused at how he knew that.

"I saw the blue star banner."

I looked up and noticed that he was wearing a camouflage baseball hat. 

He must have some connection the military, I thought.

"Yes."

"Army? Navy? Marines?"

"Army."

He nodded his head.

They walked around my garage and basement with a flashlight looking in every corner for the water meter. 

"Where is he?"

I hesitated. 

"Iraq."

He nodded again.

That was the extent of the exchange. They found what they were looking for, asked me to check if I still had water (which I did) and went on their merry way up the street to the next house.

I walked back into my living room and started thinking:

In an effort to honor my husband, did I just put myself in harm's way?  

Did I really just tell this complete stranger, who now knows the exact lay-out of my basement and garage, that I was living alone?  

Does the blue star banner open me up to sensitive conversation?

In reality, I'm fairly certain this town employee with the camouflage hat was just being nice.  He was likely either in the military, retired military, or a military family member.  But how can one be so sure?  I've had people in my life surprise me and turn out to be completely insane when they seemed quite normal.  I've learned through experiences that you can't trust appearances, so why am I being so trusting?

Do you display a blue star banner or other indication of your husband's service?  Do you get nervous about the same things?

Unwashed Sweatshirts

It still smells like you.

The sweatshirt I didn't wash.

I inhale your scent.

Stick my face right in it.

The tears flow easily.

They run down my cheeks

and into the fabric.

I think about how you would laugh.

You would tease me.

Because now I can't smell anything

through my stuffed up nose.

never you (follow-up)

My last post was about how I instinctively think that my husband is texting me whenever my phone alerts.  I understand that his cell phone does not work overseas and it is not possible for him to text message me.  Nonetheless, I always think it's him and my heart sinks when I see that it is not.  I'm not sure if I will ever get used to this.

Apparently he read my blog entry because today I received a text message from a random number (sent from a computer).  It had his name attached to it and it simply said:

"Because I love you."

He's such a good man. 

never you

Every time my cell makes that sound

(Bing)

The text message noise

I think it's you.

Every single time. 

I expect to see your name
across the bright screen.

But it's never you.
Never.

Sacrifice

It occurred to me today.

I've never had to sacrifice my life

In any meaningful way.

Not once.

Until now.

I grew up

with married parents

who gave me everything

who love me no matter what.

An older brother who asked for me.

A pink baby

He announced.

A younger sister to protect.

Storybook childhood

Upper middle class

Two houses

Private education

A car

A pony

First choice college

First choice medical school

First choice residency program

The man of my dreams.

A husband who pushes me to pursue my goals.

Who never once objected to my aspirations.

A man who loves me for who I am

and for who I want to be.

I'm sitting here

looking out the window.

Thinking about how fortunate I have been

How lucky I have been

How very, very blessed.

I've never in my life had to sacrifice.

I've never been told 

you can't

you won't

you shouldn't

This deployment is a sacrifice.

I miss him.

But, I think it's my turn.

Extreme Home Makeover: Fire Department Style

Something really wonderful happened to one of the families in our unit.  As I've said before, we are a reserve unit so the soldiers all have civilian jobs. We live away from military bases, each other, and the Army lifestyle.  One of my husband's battle buddies ("M") is a firefighter and his wife ("J") is a teacher.  They are some of the nicest people you will ever meet.  She is now 7 months pregnant with their first child and will be giving birth while he is overseas.  We are all hoping they can arrange leave so that he can be home for the birth.  If not, they have it arranged with the hospital to Skype the birth.  This couple had big plans for much-needed home renovations before their little boy arrives.   Unfortunately, they did not have time to do everything they wanted before M left.

Thursday morning, J woke up to pouring rain.  She left her house and went to her job teaching 6th grade.  When she returned in the afternoon, she drove up to 30 firefighters surrounding her house.  Fortunately, there was no fire....they were stripping all the siding off her house!  The city firefighters had taken it upon themselves to get together on their time off and renovate M and J's house.  Dominoes Pizza and Home Depot showed up with donations and there were news crews everywhere!  The goal is to give M and J an entirely new house exterior in 10 days.  I believe they are even putting on a new roof.

 

It couldn't have happened to two more deserving people.  M probably won't be able to recognize his house when he comes back and that little baby boy is going to be living in style!

Strong Because Of You.

I'm strong because of you, my friends.

I'm strong because of your calls and messages.

I'm strong because you bring me cupcakes just to cheer me up.

I'm strong because you visit.

You ask me to get pancakes.

You invite me to brunch.

You sit with me, drink wine, and watch movies.

It makes me stronger when I feel so weak.

I'm strong because of you, my friends.

I'm strong because you ask me if I want to take a walk. 

You pretend you really need one

But I know it's for me.
We get outside in the fresh air.
We walk through the fields and through the trees.

I'm stronger because of it.

I'm strong because of you, my friends.

I'm strong because you distract me from my thoughts.
You allow me to forget the loneliness.
You know I don't want to talk about it.
So we don't.

That makes me stronger.

In the quiet of solitude

I don't feel strong at all.

But because of you, my friends

I'm strong.

A Parting Gift

Do you want to take my Froggy with you?

The Hardest Day

I sit here in front of my computer trying to write about something that there are no words to describe.

I can tell you about the weekend.  I can tell you that we laughed together, cried together, and hugged more tightly than we have ever hugged before.  I can tell you that I shed more tears than I ever have and that we said "I love you" enough times to fill a novel. 

But I just can't describe it.

The emotional response to saying goodbye to your husband as he leaves to go to war is truly unimaginable. 

I have never felt such panic, such fear, and such loneliness in my life.  As I watched the hotel lobby doors close behind him, I wanted to jump out of my car and run back inside.  I wanted to scream to him not to go.  I wanted to drag him out, drive off into the horizon together, and never look back. 

But I didn't.  I turned the car keys, took a deep breath, and I drove away.  Alone.

I had been thinking about this day for months - imagining what it would be like and how I would react.  I had wondered whether I would be okay and whether I would be as strong as I hoped.  Well, the months turned into weeks and the weeks turned into days and then all of a sudden the moment was upon us. 

We said our goodbye and it broke my heart.  But as I drove away, I felt relief.  The day had finally passed and the journey had begun.

I went home and I re-read the wedding vows that he said to me on a wonderful October day:

In Yiddish it translates to "geyn mit mir."

In Gaelic it's "shool lih-um."

In the very beginning I asked you to walk with me.

I had no idea where that walk would take us.

Our walk isn't always easy. Sometimes we trip, and sometimes we stumble.

There are times when there is great distance between us, but that only brings us closer together.

Many days it might seem like an uphill climb, and I might need a little extra help.

I want you to be the One to give me that push.

Some days you might need a little extra support. 

I want to be your crutch. 

Failing that, I will carry you.

I still don't know where this walk will take us.

All I ask is that you walk with me.

This deployment will just be one small stretch of our walk together. 

A wise man (my husband) once said, "This is tough, but we are tougher."

We will be stronger for this.

We will make it.

We will be okay.

Snores

3:46 AM

Darkness.

I watch the clock as it changes.

3:47 AM

I lay between them.

My husband to my left and my dog to my right.

The silence is broken by simultaneous snores.

It's like a band - an orchestra.

3:48 AM

I look over at my husband.

He sleeps peacefully.

I run my hands over his back.

"Remember this," I think.

Soon the band will be a solo.

Just me and the dog.

One snore.

At least while I'm awake.

3:49 AM

I close my eyes.

I listen to the music of my family.

I try to imprint it deep into my brain.

This moment.
This sound.
This warmth.
This love.

I smile and I drift off to sleep.

3:50 AM

Three snores.

Murphy's Law of Deployment

Everyone keeps telling me about this little phenomenon called the Murphy's Law of Deployment.  In essence, everything in your life spontaneously combusts as soon as your spouse deploys overseas.  I've heard stories about flooded basements, broken heating systems, rodent invasions, flat tires, sick children, pet emergencies, chimney fires, and so on.  I figure this is the one benefit to renting - I always have a landlord to call about anything regarding the apartment.  I keep joking that since I rent, all the karma will probably just shift over to my car.

Well, Murphy was listening AND listening early.

My car is now at the dealership after it began making an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sound every time I stepped on the accelerator.  Turns out, this isn't good.  Actually, it's really really bad.

Recommendation: Don't buy a car with turbo.  It will inevitably break and it's nauseatingly expensive to replace.

I'm not sure whether to take this as a good sign or a bad sign. If I was thinking positively, I would say that this major car failure snuck itself in right before my husband left.  Phew.  Murphy (whoever he/she may be) decided to do me the favor of having this occur while he was still home.

The negative view would be that this is just a small taste of what's yet to come.

Please pray for me.

Deployment Party Success

For the past several weeks I have been a part-time party planner.  My husband is leaving quite soon and we felt that it was important to send him off in style.  I know that having a deployment send-off party isn't exactly a universally desired event, but my husband really wanted to have one.  He has fond memories (or should I say lack of memories?) of his previous deployment party and it was meaningful to have his friends and family get together before he left. We did not want any old party for this deployment - we wanted to have a PARTY.

I experienced nothing but generosity and support during the planning process.  I rented out an American Legion Hall because we were anticipating a large number of people and wanted to have space to socialize.  The American Legion gave us the hall for a minimal fee (because of the nature of the event).  We hired one of my husband's old high school classmates as a DJ for the event.  He gave us a great deal and he was wonderful.  For food, I called a local bar and explained that my husband is a firefighter in town and is deploying overseas.  The manager dropped the catering menu off at my house, told me not to look at the prices listed, and ended up giving me the most ridiculous discount on food for 125 people.  Family and friends supplemented with some pot luck as well.

Even amidst all this generosity, I never expected the email that I received late one evening.  Tears filled my eyes as I read that the union and relief association from my husband's fire department wanted to give me a check to help pay for the party. 

$1000.00

I was and still am speechless about this.  I was able to do so much more with this party than I had ever imagined.  During a time when we are feeling particularly strapped financially, I was able to throw a huge event with minimal out of pocket expenses.

The party was absolutely fantastic.  There were so many people there and it really warmed my heart.  Everyone ate, drank, danced, and socialized.  It was exactly what we wanted it to be - a celebration. 

I set up a table where guests could write a note to my husband - words of encouragement, jokes, stories, or whatever they wanted to write.  I promised not to read them (they are sealed in envelopes) and I will be mailing these to him periodically throughout the year.  This was a big hit and I have a stack of notes just waiting to be sent overseas. 

I wasn't sure if I would feel sad during the party but I actually didn't. In truth, I felt incredibly and overwhelmingly happy.  I felt so grateful for the presence of my family and friends and the love of my husband.  I cannot tell you how many times people hugged me, told me that they were there for me, and offered to help me through the year.  I swear that every firefighter in attendance instructed me to never hire a plumber, an electrician, or a handyman and to just call the fire station for help with any problem.  This made me feel safe and I think it made my husband and my parents feel relieved as well. 

I am so blessed.

I've spent the weekend nursing a hangover but it was worth it! 

Now I just have to start thinking about the homecoming party ;)

This Life

I didn't choose this life.
This life chose me.

A man walked into my life.
He just walked in.
He was kind.
He was strong.
He was funny.
He was sexy.
He was right.

I did not sign up for this.
He signed up for this.
I just fell in love.

I fell into a life of sacrifice and compromise.
A life of worry and fear.
But I fell into a life of friendship and support.
A life of respect, love, and affection.

I just fell.

I didn't choose this life.
This life chose me.

But if you ask me to choose,
I choose this life.