Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Hardest Day

I sit here in front of my computer trying to write about something that there are no words to describe.

I can tell you about the weekend.  I can tell you that we laughed together, cried together, and hugged more tightly than we have ever hugged before.  I can tell you that I shed more tears than I ever have and that we said "I love you" enough times to fill a novel. 

But I just can't describe it.

The emotional response to saying goodbye to your husband as he leaves to go to war is truly unimaginable. 

I have never felt such panic, such fear, and such loneliness in my life.  As I watched the hotel lobby doors close behind him, I wanted to jump out of my car and run back inside.  I wanted to scream to him not to go.  I wanted to drag him out, drive off into the horizon together, and never look back. 

But I didn't.  I turned the car keys, took a deep breath, and I drove away.  Alone.

I had been thinking about this day for months - imagining what it would be like and how I would react.  I had wondered whether I would be okay and whether I would be as strong as I hoped.  Well, the months turned into weeks and the weeks turned into days and then all of a sudden the moment was upon us. 

We said our goodbye and it broke my heart.  But as I drove away, I felt relief.  The day had finally passed and the journey had begun.

I went home and I re-read the wedding vows that he said to me on a wonderful October day:

In Yiddish it translates to "geyn mit mir."
In Gaelic it's "shool lih-um."
In the very beginning I asked you to walk with me.
I had no idea where that walk would take us.
Our walk isn't always easy. Sometimes we trip, and sometimes we stumble.
There are times when there is great distance between us, but that only brings us closer together.
Many days it might seem like an uphill climb, and I might need a little extra help.
I want you to be the One to give me that push.
Some days you might need a little extra support. 
I want to be your crutch. 
Failing that, I will carry you.
I still don't know where this walk will take us.
All I ask is that you walk with me.

This deployment will just be one small stretch of our walk together. 

A wise man (my husband) once said, "This is tough, but we are tougher."

We will be stronger for this.

We will make it.

We will be okay.

15 comments:

  1. *Many e-hugs* for you today!!! You are in my thoughts!

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  3. You're right, you will be okay and this will make your relationship so much stronger than you ever imagined. ((hugs))

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  4. Hi,
    I just started following your blog and really like it! I am a fairly new Army Wife myself, but have already survived a nice and lengthy 15 month deployment. (through two holiday seasons.) I can't give you any advice you haven't already heard. You will discover a lot about yourself and how you handle this experience. Even now, surrounded by spouses on post, some of whom have spouses deployed, I feel far removed from the experience because at the moment, my husband is *home.* But, I just wanted to offer a semi-anonymous ear in case you needed it down the road. (not to sound weird. It's hard not to sound creepy on the internet when it comes to this sort of thing!) Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and that I'm throwing the good thoughts your way. :)

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  5. It's never good-bye, it's see you later. Good-bye is too permanent. You'll make it through... the first couple days/weeks are tough but once you get a routine, it gets a little easier.

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  6. It is never easy dropping off your soldier. But you have the right attitude...your relationship will get stronger. My husband and I have been through multiple deployments and long separations. We wouldn't trade our experiences for the world. Best of luck on your journey during the next year...it will be a special one. :)

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  7. Can't wait to hear about your intern year! Of course, you may be to busy top post ;)

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  8. The drive home is the WORST. I remember crying and crying and crying every time I've driven home without him...and getting no solace or relief from the seemingly never-ending tears. But you're righ in realizing this is just one small step in your journey together--life-changing as it may be. It WILL make you stronger individually and as a couple!

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  9. It is one of the hardest days. :( Take it easy on yourself the next few weeks. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend.

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  10. *hugs*

    I know how it is all too well (so many of us do) and I know what you mean when you say there's relief. I hate the anticipation, the dread...once they're gone, you know they're on their way back to you.

    Hang in there! Take the opportunity to grow as a person and a couple and make big plans for when he comes home (hey, it's never to early to pick out a hot outfit and plan a great trip or something, right?)! Haha

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  11. So glad you found my blog! Always seems to make our situation a little better when you find someone else who knows what its like to live the military life. So sorry you are in the deployment phase right now. How long is he gone?

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  12. Every day is one day closer to him returning to you. In the meantime, you will get stronger.

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  13. Thank you everyone for all your encouragement and kind words. I'm doing fine - one day at a time :)

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  14. I just found your blog! We started Joe's third deployment in January, and I remember each one of those days. But, I just keep thinking about R&R and seeing him again :)

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