Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm Not Your Doctor.

Please.
I'm begging you.

We just met.
You are not my patient.
I'm really not interested
in your 
high blood pressure
high cholesterol
or 
diabetes

I'm not at work.
Please don't tell me about
your 
diarrhea
or
constipation

No, it's not normal
to have
blood in your stool
But seriously
I'm not your doctor
and
I don't even know you  

I just want to enjoy my haircut
without hearing about your
menopause
I'm sure your hot flashes are terrible
and
I'm glad to know that you are taking
B12

I don't care that you have a 
urinary tract infection
or that the 
antibiotic didn't work
or that you
tried to drink cranberry juice
Can I please enjoy my martini?

I'm sorry you broke your arm last year
or that your appendix burst
and you needed surgery.
That is horrible that you had 
significant hair loss afterwards. 

I'm sure your
mammogram 
hurt.
They always do.
I'm thrilled it was normal. 

Your vaginal discharge 
is none of my business. 
I like not knowing.
Really.

I bet that hernia is uncomfortable.
and so are those hemorrhoids you kindly told me about.
The whole restaurant 
enjoyed hearing
about that.

Your prostate exam?
Please, stop.
  


11 comments:

  1. awesome. i have made it a rule to never EVER ask my doctor friends questions! this was a great post!

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  2. Is it really that bad? I can't even imagine having to hear that all the time. Blah. Have you come up with any witty comebacks or do you try to be more civil then that? I think I'd have fun comebacks.

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  3. Seriously, I just get the awkward position of having to be in the vicinity of people telling OccDoc all their maladies, but I can walk away. Some people just don't when to stop sharing.

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  4. HAHA. I love this. So true.

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  5. We just make it a point to never tell people what he does...he just is "in the army", and if they ask more, he "works at the hospital". But, he also looks like the big doofy football player, so no one questions our vauge answers. HA!

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  6. Ooooh wow. Giving you a big mental hug right now. I wouldn't want anyone to give me that info either...ESPECIALLY if I wasn't their doctor! Yikes!

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  7. sorry if I have put you in this position!

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  8. Hahahaha so is this your way of telling me you don't enjoy getting my medical query text messages? You kind of actually ARE my doctor at the moment.

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  9. You just made me laugh although I know it's not funny. But what a way to put it!

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  10. hahahahaha Love it! (Well, I hate it for you, but it's still pretty funny.) :)

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  11. omg, lol! This had me cracking up which I needed today :) Thanks for the mental images! How on earth do they expect you to respond to that?

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